sounds good to me

it feels so great to be freeeee again. i hate it when people tell me what to do, ever. that's why the best job/career for me is one that affords me the ability to be my own boss. therefore i must own my own business. that has always been my dream. to own my own business of sorts that is somehow involved with food. ideally i would like to have a mix of food and art and books. those are my favorite things. for a while i'm going to be a real estate agent and then a teacher(in 15 months. i will do both simultaneously probably until we move then i will just teach i'm sure because i don't see myself starting up in real estate again in another city. although i never say never, so who knows?... i don't. all the while i will be working towards opening my own business.
sounds good to me.
you know what else sounds good? not being a fat ass anymore. yeah, that sounds great.

*i'm making thai green curry shrimp served over rice for dinner.

back to black

i recently downloaded back to black by amy winehouse and it's my fave of the moment. the one song that they play on the radio is pretty annoying(gona take me back to rehab and i saya no no no), but the rest of the stuff is awesome. i would describe it as modern jazz/loungy music. i love it. i wish i had her anorexic looking legs. she has like a foot and a half of space in between her thighs.

i got a tetanus shot today for my armstrong atlantic immunizations. it's been about ten years since i last got any shots and it's a weird feeling. i could feel it spreading in my arm. it's also a weird feeling when you have a sneaky suspicion that you're getting fat. it's really hard to tell i think. i also think i have a distorted body image. i change my mind daily about what i think my body looks like. i was anorexic for about a year when i was 20 years old. i weighed about 35-40 lbs. less than i do now. even then i found something to scrutinize. one of the things that bothered me about that is that everybody thought i looked soo good, but little did they know that i was so sick. it was terrible. during the week i would go to class then sleep any time i was at home because i didn't have any energy to move, except of course to go exercise at night when nobody was in my apartment gym. on the weekends i would go out in denton and drink beer. my body was showing signs of severe mal nutrition; dry/brittle hair, shiny tongue, easily bruising skin... those are the ones i remember off hand. i would tan so that i had some color. i would go days without eating and when i did eat a little bit i would try to throw up and end up throwing up blood. i even began to think that water was making me fat. it really got bad and yet nobody noticed. i kept the secret very well. my mom was so proud of how skinny i was. that still pisses me off to this day.
wow. i wasn't expecting to write about that. hmm.

feeling a little unsettled

i'm starting to think that i'm turning into a jack of all trades. i'm applying to grad school so that i can obtain my master of arts degree in teaching(MAT). that means i'm going to be a teacher in about 15 months. i will be teaching little ones up to 5th grade. i'm excited about it. i've always loved kids and teaching them things. one thing i'm worried about is that i know that i'm going to have my favorites and the ones that i don't like and i'm kinda mean to. i would like to say that that's not true, but i can't.

also, i'm quiting the integrity group. yup. it's just not working out for me. more disadvantages than advantages blah blah BLAH! i'm so relieved! i'm going to continue the real estate thing until i don't feel like doing it anymore. sounds like a plan.

life is just crazy. who knows what my life will be like in 5 years. at the rate that i'm changing careers...

i had a weird dream last night. i was outside doing something in the yard when a big, oldish, white guy suddenly came up behind me. he ended up being a serial killer that held me hostage in my house. i tried to get mona and lewy to attack him and they didn't. i tried to hit him in the face with a beer bottle and it didn't phase him. i was feeling really desperate after several hours. he had begun to flip out and become crazier by the minute. finally mike came home and saved me. he ended up getting the guy to shoot himself with his own gun that he had in his pocket the whole time.
it was scary. and i was glad he saved me. memichael's my savior.

i'm at the office right now and i can hear this lady talking about food and it's making me really hungry. macaroni and cheese, potato salad, corn bread....
i better go heat up my lean pocket. sick.

last night

it feels really good to make a decision. i made one, and it feels good.

so- last night we went over to our neighbors house for dinner. they invited this guy that we've met before and his "girlfriend" that apparently he's been having a long distance relationship with for quite some time but failed to mention so whenever he propositioned me and amber for sex one night as he was leaving hangfire wasted, or that other time when he was hitting on this poor girl at dinner at sakura, or that other time... you get the point. the guy is dirty. and she has no idea. i felt bad for her. we were sitting there talking, eating, drinking, and in my mind all i could think was 'poor girl she has no idea.' she's nice and asian.
she came up with the bright idea of having weekly dinners. one couple host one every week. normally i would think that really is a bright idea, but since i didn't really like her and i really don't care for her dirty "boyfriend" , i don't think it's a bright idea. i don't hate the girl at all really. she's just too nice for my liking. the questions she was asking me...it was like she read a how to have small talk book. i don't like that.

i wish that for a day i could change my name to keisha cole. i like the way it roles off the tounge. keisha cole

holy fuck

okay- so i've been in a little bit of a funk lately. it all has to do with the fact that my job=no money. i'm tired of constantly going negative in my bank account. it's not because i'm going out to eat and drinking... it's because i'm trying to pay my bills and the money just doesn't seem to be there. the last time i went out i drank exactly one PBR tall boy(the cheapest beer around) all night. that's how much i don't have money. the no money isn't the only reason for being in a funk. you see, i'm a part of this group called The Integrity Group at Keller Williams and it is sucking hard core. i'm really starting to realize that there are more disadvantages than advantages to being a part of this group. there seem to be personality issues creaping up through the lovely surface. amongst other things that i'm just tired of thinking about. i'm over it.
the positive thing about all of this is that i have decided to change my career. i'm going to get a master of arts degree and i'm going to teach little kids. i'm very excited about this. i think it will be fulfilling for me and i love that i will have all holidays and 3 months off in the summer, paid, with benefits. i'm going to continue to do the real estate thing until i don't feel like doing it anymore. it will take me 15 months from this fall to get my degree and start working. i'm going to start studying for the GRE test i have to take. that will be the first, and in my opinion the hardest, hurdle to jump. i am so so so so so terrible at math and of course there is a math section. those damn teachers weren't lying when they said you would always be using math. that has bit me in the ass so many times. just when i think i will never have to take another damn math test... i do.
anyhow, i kind of can't believe i'm actually doing this. getting a masters degree. i'm nervous, excited, optomistic...

i'm going to go take a shower and finish my book. i'm reading the kite runner and all i can say is holy fuck.
holy fuck about the book, the integrity group, and becoming a teacher.