it's been a while

wow.
this time last year i opened pandora's box by checking mike's text messages. this time last year i was three weeks away from tellig mike i was moving out. i was three months away from finding out the absolute truth about what mike was really doing when i wasn't around.
now, i can say whole heartedly, thank you god, thank you universe, for bringing the truth to light and knocking me on my right path. thank you.

procrastination station? no way!

end the tendency to procrastinate. that's my motto for today. it even said so in one of my horoscopes. right after i finish this blog, and drink some coffee, i'll get right on that.
seriously, i'm going to clean the shit out of my house today. cleaning involves unpacking and organizing and taking things to salvation army, and actual cleaning. my car is still full of stuff from over a month ago. when i say full, i mean it. people can't sit in it. see, what happened was i filled it with the last load of stuff, and just left it there, never actually bringing it into my house.

...

i'm so so sad. i can feel the depression taking a grip over me. i'm trying so hard not to let it happen. but i can't help but feel sad. i'm consumed with doubt. it literally makes me sick. i don't know what i want. i thought i was over the sudden waves of emotion, but i guess tonight is a hard one. if i could, i would literally sleep and sleep and sleep. i don't want to do anything. i don't know why this is all hitting me so hard right now.
to top it all of, i just wiped my tears with fingers that previously rubbed red pepper flakes. great.

whatev

i just found out that my cousin, who is two years younger than me, and married, is having a baby in march. wow. instead of being happy for her, my initial response was that of absolute jealousy.
i hate that this is where i'm at right now.
i know it seems like this is all i think about, but it's really not. it's just moments like these that remind me that i'm not where i want to be in life at this juncture.
i just want to make it through the holidays and and get the job.
i might go take a nap. it's saturday and i'm allowed.

stay tuned boys and girls...

well, i got broken up with last night. by 8am he was begging that i give him another chance.
i had delivered the letter that i wrote him a month ago when i had made my decision to move out. i also added to the letter. i ended it with "You Suck!" i know, very mature of me, but the latest thanksgiving debacle kind of put me in that place where i no longer gave a fuck about his feelings. i'ma do me.
i delivered the letter after work and headed straight to happy hour. i had 3 pints at the first bar, then i went to the second bar. i didn't have to work today, so happy hour turned into binge drinking. as i was chatting it up with my old friend evan for about an hour, who happened to be at the bar, mike came up behind me. he had been looking for me, and found me. damn savannah! after he made evan feel sufficiently awkward for speaking with me he, evan, left the bar. mike proceeds to tell me that we need to talk, that he read my letter, that he's been crying for the last 3 hours,that we need to talk somewhere else. i said, "why? because you want to break up with me?" yup, that was it. i was wasted, he was sober. i told him all kinds of mean things, that i meant. he cried, i cried, at the bar. i left to go home and he followed me. asked me to please come here, whilst sobbing.

okay- i wrote the above entry this past wednesday. since then he randomly stopped by on thursday, after it was decided we wouldn't talk or see each other for a couple of weeks. i'm sure that he stoped by because he wanted to have sex and missed me, and he wanted to have sex. nope. he didn't get any. we went to get some drinks and then we parted ways. he informed me his plans of wanting to go to europe for a couple of months and i informed him of my plans to go to belize this summer for at least a month.
things are weird. one thing i know for sure is that i love him and i like our relationship when he is considerate and non selfish, and that is why i am still wanting to work things out, BUT i'm prepared to let things go if that is the way it should be.
these next few months are going to be the real trial period. if things don't significantly change in the next few months and then a gradual change from there on out, it's just not going to be.
at least he has realized that he "has to grow up" all on his own.
stay tuned boys and girls...

i dunno

mike told me tonight that he isn't coming to texas for thanksgiving because he doesn't want to fly all the way to texas for thanksgiving and that it's too expensive.
just another example of selfish behavior. he has no problem paying for other trips. not this one though. he's had several months notice on this one by the way.
things are so weird. they are vague. we are together, but how do we act now? what are the expectations?
i'm just feeling so disenchanted. and so tired.

jazmin is

jazmin is... wishing she had had her first child at 27 and was already planning for the next, since she is 28.
that's what i really want to write in that damn space. that's what i really "is".
is that why i became a teacher? because really, all i've wanted my entire life is to have a brood of children?! oh my god. seriously, i just thought of that. what if that's why i decided to do this?
hm
just some thoughts
oh, and i have pink eye, in both eyes, presumably from one of those germy kids in my school.