ramblings

it's been a while

2009-09-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

wow.
this time last year i opened pandora's box by checking mike's text messages. this time last year i was three weeks away from tellig mike i was moving out. i was three months away from finding out the absolute truth about what mike was really doing when i wasn't around.
now, i can say whole heartedly, thank you god, thank you universe, for bringing the truth to light and knocking me on my right path. thank you.

procrastination station? no way!

2008-12-17T10:04:00.000-08:00

end the tendency to procrastinate. that's my motto for today. it even said so in one of my horoscopes. right after i finish this blog, and drink some coffee, i'll get right on that.
seriously, i'm going to clean the shit out of my house today. cleaning involves unpacking and organizing and taking things to salvation army, and actual cleaning. my car is still full of stuff from over a month ago. when i say full, i mean it. people can't sit in it. see, what happened was i filled it with the last load of stuff, and just left it there, never actually bringing it into my house.

...

2008-12-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

i'm so so sad. i can feel the depression taking a grip over me. i'm trying so hard not to let it happen. but i can't help but feel sad. i'm consumed with doubt. it literally makes me sick. i don't know what i want. i thought i was over the sudden waves of emotion, but i guess tonight is a hard one. if i could, i would literally sleep and sleep and sleep. i don't want to do anything. i don't know why this is all hitting me so hard right now.
to top it all of, i just wiped my tears with fingers that previously rubbed red pepper flakes. great.

whatev

2008-11-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

i just found out that my cousin, who is two years younger than me, and married, is having a baby in march. wow. instead of being happy for her, my initial response was that of absolute jealousy.
i hate that this is where i'm at right now.
i know it seems like this is all i think about, but it's really not. it's just moments like these that remind me that i'm not where i want to be in life at this juncture.
i just want to make it through the holidays and and get the job.
i might go take a nap. it's saturday and i'm allowed.

stay tuned boys and girls...

2008-11-11T19:32:00.000-08:00

well, i got broken up with last night. by 8am he was begging that i give him another chance.
i had delivered the letter that i wrote him a month ago when i had made my decision to move out. i also added to the letter. i ended it with "You Suck!" i know, very mature of me, but the latest thanksgiving debacle kind of put me in that place where i no longer gave a fuck about his feelings. i'ma do me.
i delivered the letter after work and headed straight to happy hour. i had 3 pints at the first bar, then i went to the second bar. i didn't have to work today, so happy hour turned into binge drinking. as i was chatting it up with my old friend evan for about an hour, who happened to be at the bar, mike came up behind me. he had been looking for me, and found me. damn savannah! after he made evan feel sufficiently awkward for speaking with me he, evan, left the bar. mike proceeds to tell me that we need to talk, that he read my letter, that he's been crying for the last 3 hours,that we need to talk somewhere else. i said, "why? because you want to break up with me?" yup, that was it. i was wasted, he was sober. i told him all kinds of mean things, that i meant. he cried, i cried, at the bar. i left to go home and he followed me. asked me to please come here, whilst sobbing.

okay- i wrote the above entry this past wednesday. since then he randomly stopped by on thursday, after it was decided we wouldn't talk or see each other for a couple of weeks. i'm sure that he stoped by because he wanted to have sex and missed me, and he wanted to have sex. nope. he didn't get any. we went to get some drinks and then we parted ways. he informed me his plans of wanting to go to europe for a couple of months and i informed him of my plans to go to belize this summer for at least a month.
things are weird. one thing i know for sure is that i love him and i like our relationship when he is considerate and non selfish, and that is why i am still wanting to work things out, BUT i'm prepared to let things go if that is the way it should be.
these next few months are going to be the real trial period. if things don't significantly change in the next few months and then a gradual change from there on out, it's just not going to be.
at least he has realized that he "has to grow up" all on his own.
stay tuned boys and girls...

i dunno

2008-11-09T22:45:00.000-08:00

mike told me tonight that he isn't coming to texas for thanksgiving because he doesn't want to fly all the way to texas for thanksgiving and that it's too expensive.
just another example of selfish behavior. he has no problem paying for other trips. not this one though. he's had several months notice on this one by the way.
things are so weird. they are vague. we are together, but how do we act now? what are the expectations?
i'm just feeling so disenchanted. and so tired.

jazmin is

2008-11-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

jazmin is... wishing she had had her first child at 27 and was already planning for the next, since she is 28.
that's what i really want to write in that damn space. that's what i really "is".
is that why i became a teacher? because really, all i've wanted my entire life is to have a brood of children?! oh my god. seriously, i just thought of that. what if that's why i decided to do this?
hm
just some thoughts
oh, and i have pink eye, in both eyes, presumably from one of those germy kids in my school.

what's meant to be will be

2008-11-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

so, i'm in my new place.
tonight will be my third night. it's a difficult feeling to describe because it's not just one feeling. it's many.
i'm relieved not to be in the situation i was in. i'm also unsure of what will come next. sometime i don't really even know what i want next. right now i just play it day by day. it feels kind of exciting not to have to ask someone if they think it's okay if i hang this here, but at the same time i kind of miss it. this place still doesn't feel like home and i'm wondering when it will. it still kind of feels like i'm in a hotel. i'm wondering what kind of routine, if any, mike and i will settle into. i want a dog, but i know it's not the responsible thing to do since i'm planning on going out of the country for a month in about 6 months.

as far as career wise, things couldn't be going any better. it looks like i may go straight into a teaching position at the same grade level at my school. working there was my number one choice and i consider it my dream job. some unexpected changes have taken place and it looks like there is an opening that is perfect for me to slide right into. the principal asked me to get my things in to hr.

with everything that is going on in my life right now, there is one thing i can say for sure. it is all happening the way it is supposed to. i have never felt it so strong. this is the way it is all supposed to happen and the way it all ends up is what is best for me.

stay the course

2008-10-19T18:14:00.000-07:00

after november 1st will have a better grasp of what's going on and i will be able to breath. between now and then i have to pack everything i own, find a moving company to move it, begin and finish my portfolio, and take complete control of the classroom for 20 consecutive days.
i hope that i don't fall into some sort of depression and i continue on strong. things with mike are only getting worse i guess i could say? i'm not really sure though because really it's the same behavior he's exhibited throughout the relationship. i guess i just thought that when faced with the possibility of losing me he would do some things differently. i guess that's the problem; he doesn't believe i'm really moving out. i think it will sink in when he sees me packing tomorrow.
i didn't expect a complete and sudden change, but i also didn't expect to be treated like this.
i wish i could close my eyes and when i opened them back up it would be november 2nd. instead, i'm going to have to take it one day at a time.

what?

2008-10-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

how did i end up here again? i know the answer to that, but really, how did i manage to do this again for the same exact amount of time?
i consider myself a pretty level headed, no nonsense kind of gal and i think most people that know me think the same thing about me...so then, how did i let myself settle into the same kind of situation where i feel undervalued, taken advantage of, disrespected... i have to admit i'm embarrassed that i have let somebody treat me so poorly without consequence, for a second time. i should have learned my lesson the first time.
i'm moving out. getting my own place. i don't know how this will all end up, but i am a firm believer that what is meant to be will be. one thing i do know for sure is that i made a choice that i will no longer be treated in a way that i do not deserve. i put the control of what happens to my feelings in my hands. it feels good.

who knew?

2008-10-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

i've reached my breaking point. i always find it strange how calm i am when i get to this point. of course, i feel scared as to what may happen, but i am prepared for the worst.
mike has tested me one too many times. i have spent the day looking for a new place.
i just got scared again.
my hope is that he will want to contine the elationship, but with a new focus and space. although, i know him too well to really think that that is what will happen. when i tell him that i am thinking about getting my own place he will

i'm hungry.

2008-09-01T09:47:00.000-07:00

what should i eat? i really want something bad-like a cheese burger from b&d burgers. i'm also feeling too lazy to get off my ass to get the food. hmpf. what to do?
also, i don't want to see anybody in town. that's the problem with savannah. basically, you can't leave the house if you don't want to run into anybody. delivery? are food places open on labor day in savannah?
i had ambitious plans to completely clean out my studio room/candy's den today. i'm really not feeling the motivation. all three dogs need baths too. ugh.
i did nothing but consume massive amounts of calories since friday.
Friday:
mexican lunch (leigh/teacher bought it for me)
wine
dinner @ tantra lounge (b-day diner with mindy/a lot of food)
6 drinks and 2 shots
hot dog w/sauerkraut and mustard and i don't remember what else

Saturday:
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
milk
banana
starbucks frappucino thing
bakeable pizza
2 beers

Sunday:
waffles w/butter and syrup
coffee
taco bell
1 beer
fried rice
oreo blizzard
1 beer

oh my god! i can't believe myself! holy shit. it kind of sounds like i was on an all inclusive cruise or something.
maybe i shouldn't eat a cheese burger... what the hell else can i eat? i'm def. going to drink a beer...

chia on my mind

2008-08-31T19:34:00.000-07:00

mindy and i re-painted my living room this weekend. i'm really enjoying the new look. it looks like a completely different house. i also rearranged some of the furniture. all of this happened whilst mike is out of the country. he has no idea i/we did this. i must say, he did agree to the color for the walls, but did not agree with moving the the furniture, and also he did not have a clue that the paining was going to happen this weekend. i can't wait to see his reaction. hopefully he won't beat me. :)
we had open house this past friday at work. i got to meet some of the parents and students that will be in the class. i'm really excited. we start this tuesday. i still can't believe that i'm a teacher. it feels like such a real job. savannah is so small.
i'm going to bed.

eggs don't grow on plants

2008-08-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

i think i may make some baba ganoush today. i've never made it. i'm going to see if the farmers market has eggplant first. if they don't have any then, that's a sign that i shouldn't bother.
there are a few things i need to do today.
i still haven't e-mailed either of my teacher's
i have to call meryweather
wash clothes
finish my made-from-scratch chocolate cupcakes with white chocolate filling

i should cut the grass too.

maybe i'll make the baba ganoush today so that we can have people over for dinner tomorrow. i'll make it a mediterranean night. who will i invite?

man, i'm hungry.

2008-08-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling a little bit better today, although i did "sleep" on the couch. i just couldn't sleep.
my plans for today are to:
take shower
e-mail professor
call teacher about meeting
mail tax stuff
buy milk and toilet paper
do appraisal stuff

stank walk

2008-08-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

i went for a walk in the rain. i'm feeling stank today. i've decided not to analyze it and just take it for what it is...just one of those days.
along the way on my walk i snapped some photos of some of my favorite spots in the sav; gardens and houses and porches.
p.s. i finally figured out that all you have to do to add a photo is press the little button on the top of the template when you are writing. i promise i'm not an idiot. i just overlook things alot.

here i go...

the end.

man oh man

2008-08-20T13:18:00.000-07:00

looking back at my recent blogs i realized that i want three things: a banjo, a scooter, and a new camera. which one should i ask my mom for? they are all pretty expensive things ranging from 250-3,000. i wonder if i can finance a scooter? i know! if i get the job at the school at the end of my student teaching i will see about financing a scooter, preferably a vespa. that will be my gift to myself. i think the banjo i can pull off myself too. so maybe the 1,000 dollar camera can be a gift from moms? i mean, she did want to buy me a 2,000 dollar book shelf that i said no to.
today i had a cupcake and coffee for lunch. fabulous.
it's pouring rain outside from tropical storm fay. maybe class will be canceled tonight. it is the first class of the semester and i already don't want to go. that's a great sign.

i'm about to be 28 years old in a few days. that's got me thinking..

i want a scooter

2008-08-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

today i met with the teacher that i will be student teaching under for the next 15 weeks starting next week. i liked her. she was down to earth and not annoying and believes in "bad energy". she actually talked about how she smudged her new classroom with sage to clear the bad energy. my kind of gal.
i also took candy to the vet. apparently she has a form of colitus. the doctor said she is not in pain although it would appear that way because of the amount of blood coming out with her stool. it looks like black cherry jam. the receptionist lady was this little frail looking girl that you can tell has relied on animal love her whole life. she just loooved candy and let her lick her despite my warnings of the putrid breath caused by the green teeth. her eyes were watering when i looked up from signing the bill. i guess i'm just used to the way candy looks. everybody else is either scared, grossed out, or has that girls reaction. come to think of it, maybe her eyes were watering from the smell...naw.
my birthday is coming up and i'm pumped. mike leaves the day after my birthday for a bachelor party in mexico. that means that mindy and i are going to paint my living room and drink mimosas during the day and party it up at night. i already have my party dress and shoes picked out, along with my new hair. excited!

a banjo on my knee

2008-08-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

camryn is here. we have one more week and then her and i fly to dallas. this is the best visit yet. she is having fun and so am i. yesterday we went out on mike's boat in the chechesee river. she crabbed for the first time, and so did i. we didn't use crab traps, we did it the old school way or as mindy said, the ghetto way, but it's the way mike did it when he was a kid. we tied raw chicken wings to string, that also had a weight tied to it, and dropped them in the water. when you feel a tug you slowly pull it up and someone else swoops the crab with a net. we ate them for dinner.
when the trip is up i think i'll post some pics from her stay.

i decided i'm going to learn how to play the banjo. i went to the musical instrument store and found out that they have a starter kit for 250. that includes a banjo and some picks and an instructional kit and i don't know what else. if i don't get it for my birthday, which i don't think i will since i specifically told mike not to get me one, i will get it myself.
i'm really nervous to start student teaching. i begin in a couple of weeks. just thinking about it made my stomach turn. the part i hate about it the most is that they come and observe me. i hate that shit. my stomach is turning.
i should go.
ps the u is missing from my key board. i'm pretty annoyed by it, but not enough to get it repaired-yet. it's been at least a month.

juggernaut

2008-07-19T19:36:00.000-07:00

i just like that word.
today has been an unexpected day of rest for me. it's not supposed to be happening, but i keep telling myself that i'll get to work very soon.
my day began with brunch at firefly with mindy. it was fantastic. we ordered blueberry pancakes and a greek omelet and shared both. oh, and of course mimosas. we sat outside and faced the square. it was nice. next, i came home and took a nap, for a long time. then i went to kroger to get some eggs. i have to make cascarones for my presentation on tuesday. i figured i should do something constructive. i'm supposed to be completing a unit today, but i guess since it's so late i'll just work on my presentation stuff.

i am so excited for next thursday to be here because that is when the fun begins. this semester will be over. i think karen and her husband and mike and i will go to dinner to celebrate. karen is a friend i have made through class. we really get each other. it's great. the only thing is that she lives in brunswick, about an hour away. then on friday the cleaning people come, then on saturday my mom and camryn come! yey!

i'm going to eat some cereal, play some billy holiday, and work on my presentation.
i haven't mentioned that for my presentation i'm dressing up as frida kahlo. i'm even going to draw in the uni brow. yesss.

i'm so excited!

2008-07-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

i just can't hide it! i still have two more projects to do, but i can taste the end of all of this!!
i'm going to make it a point to go to the beach or pool everyday as soon as my mom leaves. she doesn't do beach or pool. while she's here we will walk around, eat well, and shop. that sounds like fun to me.
i should be working on my unit right now, but instead i'm procrastinating again. it's okay. it's still early.
so, my plants, flowers, and vegetables are looking awesome this summer. usually they tend to look pretty sad during the summer due to the extreme weather conditions, but for some reason they are thriving. nothing makes me happier. plants are one of the things i collect and try to practice restraint when around them at a store.
i'm going to see if mike brewed some coffee before he left. i think i smell some...

my eyes hurt

2008-07-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

i've been overwhelmed lately with school. my neck is a permanot from the stress. tonight i'm planning on beginning and completing 3-4 assignments, that way tomorrow i can work on 1 of three major projects that are due the week after next. my master plan is to do one a day. That means, one on saturday, one on sunday and one on monday. after that i can study for finals and wrap other assignments up, like stupid on-line discussions we have to do.
seriously, all i want to do is sleep, or maybe go to the beach and sleep.
my mom and camryn, my niece, get here in a couple of weeks. my mom leaves after a few days and leaves camryn here with me. this will be the third time camryn comes to visit me during the summer. i'm so excited for it. after her two weeks is up her and i fly back to dallas together and i hang out with moms for five days. i miss my mom. i want her near. oh, and then school starts again. this next semester will be a breeze compared to this one. i will only be taking one class, doing my student teaching thing, and doing my portfolio. i'm really excited about the student teaching portion because i got my first choice school. it's a public montessori school that gets rave reviews. my hope is that i get a job there after the student teaching is up.
all right, i guess i better stop procrastinating.

frustrations abound

2008-07-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

okay, so alot's been going on. for one, i had to write mike a letter. yup, i've gotten to that point. basically what brought it on was the same sequence of events that always take place during one of our stand offs. same exact sequence. he does something that pisses me off, i get pissed, he acts like i'm crazy and makes excuses for what he did, i get more pissed, he makes it worse for himself by pissing me off further by staying out late and not calling me for example, i get more pissed, then i reach my breaking point and we talk about it and everything is fine until next time. although, every time this happens i get progressively more resentful and closer to my ultimate breaking point. writing a letter means i am very close. i don't want to be close. i just want him to get it.
so this morning we were discussing how he is spending the night in hilton head because he feels like hanging out with his friends that live there, so in my head i was making plans of my own. i asked him if he was going to spend the night and then hang out the next day, since he had his surf board, and he said no, that he was surfing today. then he asked me "why? are you going got miss me?" i shook my head back in forth, no. i meant it. he commented that the sad thing about that was that i wasn't kidding and my response was that i was used to it.
last night for example. he knows that every monday i don't have class and i cook dinner. i was walking to the grocery store around 5:30 to get stuff for dinner and i called him to see when he was going to be home. he was on his way from work to jamie's house to hang out. i asked him how long he was going to be there and he said an hour and that he would call me when he was leaving. i knew that was complete bull shit from all the past experiences, so i went to happy hour with mindy. i decided to nix dinner plans since i'm not going to wait around for him to call and then drop what i'm doing to make dinner according to his schedule. he called around 7:40 to let me know that he was coming home. that meant he wouldn't be home until around 8:30 since he was in hilton head. from what he told me originally he was supposed to be home no later than 7:30. i came home around 9 and he was wondering where i was etc. etc. these are the things i consider inconsiderate, all of it. he's not doing a good job at showing me that he understands. i'm frustrated in so many ways.

on to other more exciting things. i'm getting my couch and a chair recovered. i can't wait for it to be done! i may need to change my living room wall color now. we'll see once it's in here.

been a while

2008-06-22T15:59:00.000-07:00

okay- so it's been a loong while since i've been here.
i was supposed to work on my research paper all day today. it's now 3:49 and i haven't even started to read the material that i'm supposed to write about. i didn't get out of bed until 10:30, then i talked on the phone until about 12:30, then I took a shower and went to lunch with mike and his mom. we just got back about 30 minutes ago and all i want to do is take a nap. i don't wanna be responsible.

our trip to nicaragua was pretty awesome. i'm still having random dreams that take place there. some of the things we did: zip line canopy tour, horse back riding, saved a drowning baby, held a monkey, had monkey vagina on my neck, watched a hurricane role through, paid some cops off-twice, ordered bean soup and it came with very hairy pork rinds floating in it, saw a lot of volcanoes, kayaked to some monkey islands. those are the things that came to mind. it really was a great experience. i can't wait to travel again.

i'm tired. i'm going to nap now.

hmm

2008-05-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

today's a nice day. i'm sitting here, listening to billy holiday, cleaning up here and there, lighting candles, feeding my orchids, wearing comfy pants, contemplating the nicaragua trip...
i had a dream last night that i bought a new camera. this is something i really want to do this summer. speaking of creative endeavors, since i graduated from scad 3 years ago(weird) i've barely done anything creative. meaning, i haven't followed through on any projects. i haven't been in the right place to do anything, both mentally and physically. mindy and i have been talking about renting out a studio space and sharing it. i really want to do this. i need a place that is away from home. i don't like to work around people or distractions. i don't like to show works in progress. if she doesn't want to do it with me maybe i'll just get one myself. it's only 200 bucks a month.

sweeney todd

2008-05-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

i watched it the other night and i EFING LOVED it! i had no idea what the story was about before hand and also i only like to watch musicals if it's in person and they are on a stage.
i just loved this movie. beautiful.

bitchy?

2008-05-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes i just wonder about humanity and the ability to wistand bullshit and the meaning of withstanding bull shit. and what is bull shit anyways?
ugh...
i'm pretty much pissed at the pizza delivery guy who just forgot my cheesey bread. i told him that i would give him the rest of the money when he came back with the bread. as soon as i got inside i felt so bad for him. he was a very nice, appologetic, older man, that drove up in his family hoopty. you can tell he's trying to make ends meet in an "honest " way. this is probably his weekend job. i added a dollar to his tip, bringing the tip to a grand total of 6 dollars. that's pretty good if you ask me. i still feel bad.
but, back to my problems. mike really disapointed me on thursday night. as a precursor; he is very jelous of anybody in my life, be it family or friends. mindy went to the sand gnats baseball game with us for thirsty thursday. first time she's hung out with the three of us. she has purposefully avoided it because she didn't want to be the third wheel. well, in the end he called her and i lesbians and continued to berate her while she sat in the back seat of the car on the ride home. disapointed/angry/sad... must i go on.?
i slept in my car after a very ugly and aggresive argument till abot 3am. then i snuck into the guest room. he called at around 4am wondering where i was and could i please call him. he called again at 5am and i answered, let him know i was in the guest room.
same shit over and over. am i too cynical? am i the bitch? i know that in this situation i am not, but am i generally just way too bitchy?

juicifer

2008-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

i got a juicer yesterday. i'm very excited about it. the only thing is that mike's mom lied to me. i asked her if it was easy to clean and she said yes. she said all you had to do was put the parts in the dishwasher. liar. i read the instruction booklet after i bought it and it said to only put it in the dishwasher "occasionally" on the top rack. basically it's saying to avoid putting it in the dish washer. oh well.
my mom came to visit this past weekend. we went to atlanta. it was great. we returned to savannah yesterday. i cooked dinner for her, mike, and i. grouper, black beans and rice, plantains, and tomato salad. i also made brownies with caramel for desert which we ate while we watched i am legend. i was not looking forward to the movie, especially after the first 15 minutes or so. will smith just isn't a good actor. you can tell that he takes himself seriously now too. he thinks he's good, and he's not. i ended up kind of liking it though, so whatever.

yes mam

2008-04-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

i can not contain my excitement for our trip to nicaragua! i'm trying not to think about it too much just so i can stay focused and finish this semester, which will be ending next week. yes!
today is going to be a nice relaxing saturday. brunch with mindy, then school work. that doesn't sound so relaxing, but it is because i can do things at my leisure. i'm tired of knowing exactly where i'm going ot be every moment of the day until i go to sleep. it's going to be weird in the fall when i'm working 1 job instead of 3 and not going to school at night. i'm sure i'll just adjust and complain about that too.

i like how when the kids at school do something bad i say 'no sir or mam'. the toddler class teachers say 'no thank you'. i thought that was kind of weird.

there are consequences

2008-04-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

this is what i wrote crazy in response to a letter she wrote me. it reminded me of what a child does when they get caught doing something wrong. of course they cry from the guilt, and then they appologize profusely after they realize what they have lost. i did that in middle school, but since now i'm 27, and so is she, it gave me more reason to not want to continue with her in my life. i'm too grown for this shit you heard?!

when i responded to you that i had nothing to say to you either, i meant it. i don't mean that in a bitchy way, i just have nothing else to say about the issue. what's done is done.
as you probably know by now, i'm not working in the classroom with you. i made that decision on tuesday when you said that you wanted to work that way for the next two months. i on the other hand did not, so i removed myself from the situation. i will still be working at the school and it is my hope that our interactions will be civil. i know that i am capable of that since that is what i wanted and tried for from the beginning.
i know it took alot for you to write that letter and apologize, so i wanted to thank you for that. i accept your apology, although i do not wish to continue our friendship. you don't seem to understand boundaries and how to respect them and that is something that is very important to me in a friend. i have had many experiences in life to know that if it happened once it will happen again in one way or the other.
i wish you the best of luck and i want you to know that i don't harbor any bad feelings towards you.
like i said, what's done is done, and sometimes there is just no turning back.
jazmin

DING DONG THE FUCKING BITCH IS DEAD!

2008-03-31T15:17:00.000-07:00

i haven't written about this yet, but there has been a little infuriating situation going on in my life...
while i was away at my grandmother's funeral, keara, the teacher i teach with and girl that has decided to try to appropriate my life as hers, decided to call my boyfriend to see if he wanted to go bowling on sunday.
well, he saw through her intentions, and didn't go and also told me about it immediately. i returned on tuesday to several calls and text messages that continued through out the entire week. we didn't work because it was spring break. i respond a couple of times via text with short answers. she continued to hound me. i see her this morning as we do every monday and she was trying to be a bitch to me. imagine that. i decided before work that i was going to play with her. i was definitely going to rapidly push away and discontinue any friendship, but act normal during work hours. i knew the guilt was consuming her and that she was going to bring it up. so, i acted normal while she tried to play the victim as if i was the one being mean to her. finally, at the end of the day the shit hit the fan. long story-short, i left her in the classroom crying. when you fuck with me i'm very calm and cold in my delivery, even in the face of tears. that shit doesn't work for me. i gave her the truth, all of it.
it feels good to tell someone exactly what i wanted to say.
the only thing that sucks is that we have to work together for the next 2 months. if it gets bad, i have no problem quiting.

i forgot to mention all of the other things this crazy girl has done. the things are too numerous, but lets just say she now has her hair exactly like mine, with new clothing that is EXACTLY like mine, and a new favorite color for the year which happens to be the color that is strewn all throughout my house(orange).
c-r-a-z-y

te quiero mucho

2008-03-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.
my grandmother passed away this past thursday evening at 9:15pm. i was driving home from class, talking to mindy on the phone at about 9:15. she asked me about my grandmother and i told her that i wanted her to die because she was suffering so much and i knew she would never recover. a few minutes into the conversation i get a call from my mom and i answer it and she's sobbing, she died. i was in shock. immediately i wanted to take back that comment i made, that energy i put out into the universe. it was too late. i know she didn't die because of what i said. she was ready. she waited to see her three living children and when they left she passed. i got to talk to her on the phone earlier in the day. well, actually we didn't talk. my mom held the phone to her ear and took the oxygen mask off while i told her that i loved her very much and she responded with a couple of whimpers. her last words were "how bitter" meaning the water she was drinking and life itself. the nurse asked her if she wanted different water and she said, "no thank you." she closed her eyes and passed to the other side.
i miss her. she was a spoiled brat, but so hard to resist. she gave me so many things... love of plants and animals, cooking, art, beauty, and most importantly spirituality. she showed me that there is a different way from such a young age. she opened my eyes to the truth.

2008-03-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

i've got another midterm tonight and another due tomorrow. The one for tomorrow is a take home case study thing which is good. i worked on a 5 lesson unit plan the entire weekend. i also managed to run outside with mindy in the beautiful, sunny, 70* weather. we also went bowling on sunday. i hoovered around 100 points. last sunday i got a 140. that's the best i've ever done, ever.
things at work are going okay. keara has been sick and out the last two days. that really efs up the kids when we have someone new in the classroom. luckily yesterday we only had 5 kids since more than half were sick. today we had 8 and things were pretty bad when eliza tripped in the classroom and re-opened an old scab on her knee. wouldn't stop crying. the non stop crying really irritated "little keira" who can't handle loud noise. that set the tone for the entire day. it's was so damn awesome!!!!!! i didn't die from it, so that's okay i guess.
i suppose i should study some more.
tootles.

daily grind

2008-02-28T13:22:00.000-08:00

so- i'm picking up another job. i'm going to be taking care of one of the little boys in the class i teach in from after school until 5:30. I will take him to his house and hang out until I have to go to class at 5:30 and be there(at class) until 8:45. I think it will be fine because after tomorrow I should be completely caught up with my appraisal work, so that will leave me with the additional hours to work. i like that boy and let's face it, i need the money honey.
i'm about to take an hour break/nap from studying for my midterm that i'm taking tonight. that will leave me with three hours to study. i think that should do it?

nicaragua bitches

2008-02-20T08:14:00.000-08:00

so we decided to go to nicaragua instead of thailand this summer. i’m excited about this because it means that mike and i will go alone instead of with two other couples which is how it was going to be if we went to thailand. i’m not big into doing things with couples. it just feels so freaking cheesy to me. i guess i should say it depends on the couple too, but generally it’s a big no. it’s going to be grrrreat. i think we’re going for 14 or 15 days. we are planning on backpacking for most of the trip and splurging for like 2 nights at a really nice place.
off to work!

i'm glad

2008-02-19T16:19:00.000-08:00

since i wrote that last blog, things just got uglier and uglier, until late sunday evening when mike decided he wanted the standoff to be over with. i've got stamina when it comes to these things and i will let them go on for months and even years if need be. i realize that that is not a good thing, but i absolutely can not help it.
to make a long story short, mike kept digging his grave deeper and deeper on a daily basis from wednesday evening until finally on sunday evening when he decided to stop.
i'm glad it's over with and i hope it doesn't happen again.

i'm about to go for my every 3,000 mile carwash and oil change that i get every 3,000miles. i'm excited about this. it makes me feel grown up for some reason.

mindy and i are running in the march of dimes st.patricks day 5k on march 7th. i'm very proud of us. we fell off the wagon for a little bit there when we both got sick, but we jumped right back on. we are pretty sure that we wont be able to run the entire 3 miles yet. we still have 7 more training sessions before the event, so i think we can get to at least 1.5 miles without stopping and then we can take a walking breather and run some more.

disgusting

2008-02-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

so- as i mentioned yesterday, mike and i were trying to decide where to go this weekend. well, mike decided that the selfish side of him is going to rear it's ugly head again. the whole point of this trip is that i have monday off and there for a long weekend to enjoy somewhere else. he let me know last night when we were trying to nail down where we were going that he was not going to take monday off of work. he has deadlines to meet that i just don't understand. i don't understand when a couple of weeks ago those self imposed deadlines went out of the window when he went to colorado for six days. he says it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to the x-games. you see, that's not true either. he went last year, this year, and will probably go next year. not a once in a life time opportunity my dear. that's what i call selfish. plain and simple. all i asked for was one day.
so the conclusion of this situation is that i am still going out of town. i'm going either with mindy or by myself. either one sounds just as fun to me. if mindy comes with we're going to atlanta. if she doesn't come with i think i'll go to jacksonville and check it out. or maybe atlanta. of course i'm taking candy and lewy with me too.
i had to vent my disgust with mike's selfish ways.

napsynaparoosky

2008-02-12T15:10:00.000-08:00

we're trying to get out of town this coming weekend since i have monday off of work. we are trying to decide between atlanta, charleston, jacksonville, or myrtle beach. they are all within 3 hours of here and the weather is going to be about the same in all of the places. although, i'm leaning closer to myrtle beach since i've never been.
mindy and i are back on the 5k training schedule. we had a little hang up because of sickness, but that's all done now.
i'm going to go take a naparoo before class. i can't keep my eyes open. i'll just have to do my appraisal work after class. i can't efing wait!

fabulash

2008-02-09T17:50:00.000-08:00

i ordered a pair of fabulash sandals from delias today. i can't wait to get them! they are gold and awesome.
i just tried to find a picture of them that i could put on here, but no such luck.

flip flop

2008-02-05T18:00:00.000-08:00

i'm not going to class tonight. i just don't feel like it.
i want my mom to come visit soon. i miss her.
today was hot here and i want to go buy some flip flops.

my head still feels like it's full of junk.
i think i'll have some tea.

oh yeah

2008-02-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

johanna's birthday diner:

mixed greens salad with champagne dressing

spanish fish in a sack served with safron yellow rice
parchment paper
1 pound ready-trimmed green beans, available in produce department, halved on an angle across
8 anchovy fillets, optional
4 large garlic cloves, minced
16 strips thinly sliced pimientos or roasted red pepper
1/2 cup pitted chopped good quality black olives, such as kalamata
2 pounds cod fillets, cut into 4 portions (get thick pieces from the center cuts rather than tail-end pieces) or, 4 red snapper fillets, 8 ounces each
Salt and pepper
4 scallions, chopped
1/4 cup flat leaf parsley, a generous handful, chopped
Extra-virgin olive oil, for generous drizzling
1 lemon, zested and juiced

sweet mascarpone and berries with marsala
2 cups mascarpone cheese
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar
1 tablespoon orange or lemon zest
1 package ladyfingers
1 pint strawberries
2 teaspoons sugar
1/4 cup Marsala wine

guess i'll find out

2008-02-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

i didn't go to work today because although i am feeling better, i'm still not up to dealing with two year olds. and also i don't want to get them sick. by better i mean i no longer have a fever and headache and bed/clothes soaking sweats. i just feel like i'm high and my body hurts.
so, tonight mike's mom is coming over for her birthday diner that has been put off since january 23rd. i felt bad postponing it again, so here we are. not only am i cooking dinner, but i'm about to mop and clean the house. i'm hoping that doing all of this shit doesn't postpone my getting better.

i can't help but wonder

2008-02-02T22:54:00.000-08:00

it's crazy. it's been almost three and a half years since i broke up with my ex, but i still wonder sometimes if he cheated on me. i will never forget when he said, out of no where, "you know lisa is a slut. you were right." this was right after i got back from panama after being there for three months. lisa was his friend that i didn't trust.
i just wonder sometimes.

what goes around comes around

2008-02-02T10:38:00.000-08:00

sooo-now i'm sick.
it's annoying.
i am so tired of being sick. i would like to go an entire week without being sick PLEASE. it's saturday and i want to do stuff. i think i can because i'm just feeling neck and back pain, headache, caughing, and stuffy nose. it's not as bad as it sounds, as long as i take the extra strength/rapid release/tylenol. it staves off the headache and the body pain.
mindy is sick too, so we are going to try to go to breakfast in about half hour so that we can infect others.

things i should do today:
make phone calls
put clean clothes away
do assignment for disablities class
buy a container for the dog food

maaan

2008-01-31T10:25:00.000-08:00

mike got back from the winter x games late monday night. i was excited for his return since he had been gone for 6 days, unitl he promptly got sick. really sick. i've never seen him so sick. 102* fevers, caughing, aching back, whine whineWHINE! you see, my dad used to always whine and say he was sick and this was hurting and that was aching and whine whineWHINE! so, because of that i kind of get pissed when people get sick. i just don't want to hear it. i'll give you what you need, but i certainly don't want to hear any whining coming from you. at all. please. thank you.
i do feel bad for him. i want him to get all better. not just for my sake.
on top of him being sick, i have 8 hour work days, and then 3 hour classes and work for those classes, and life, and not enough sleep.

keep on truckin'

2008-01-28T19:35:00.000-08:00

i've always had kind of a lackadaisical view on the negative things that happen in life. like, why let this event fuck everything up when you've got 70 years ahead of you? just keep on truckin'. probably because i went through more than the average joe the first ten years of my life.
i just think that you make your own reality. what you put out there is exactly what's gonna' come your way. if you think that you are fat and ugly, then that's what people are going to think about you too. mindy and i were talking about this the other day when we saw a sad, ugly, fat girl at a restaurant. she was sitting slumped over with zero confidence while her "skinny, pretty friend" talked to the guys at the table. if she carried herself with grace and confidence people would respect her and not think that she was sad, fat, and ugly. if she didn't make self deprecating comments people wouldn't run the other way. it just seems like such a simple concept to me. i guess everybody has their particular journey in life and for some people it's figuring out that if they don't love themselves nobody is going to do it for them.
just some thoughts i've been having.

bugs

2008-01-28T14:23:00.000-08:00

i had the oddest feeling this morning. it was like i had slept maybe an hour and tried to wake up to go to work, but really i slept 6 hours, which isn't too bad. i was completely exhausted. i'm not sure if i'm about to get this stomach flu bug thing that has been going around our class and now the other two year old class. so far 6 out of 11 people(including teachers) from my class have had it. it involves uncontrollable vomiting for 24 to 48 hours. nice. i'm excited.
keara said she felt exhausted before she actually began to vomit.
i guess time will tell.

wha

2008-01-25T15:17:00.000-08:00

i am so very tired. and it's only the begining of the semester. last time wasn't so hard probably because it was the first semester and there were a couple of bull shit classes, but this time all three of them are on graduate level degree of hardness. so i have school and two jobs. i am so behind in the appraisal job that i'm just waiting for that phone call to let me know that they've found someone else. i'm not sleeping very well at night either. it's because of the stress. working and going to school is hard. wha.

it's a pretty good day

2008-01-24T10:37:00.000-08:00

'realize what a great day you are having before it's too late'
that's what my horoscope said today. so here i am, 10:33am and i'm realizing it. so far, i woke up an hour ago, it's my day off. i made coffee and had some coffee cake with it. i wrote my broker at KW to let her know that i want to move my license to inactive status or to the referral company. i've been putting that one off for a while. i'm about to vacuum with my new vacuum. then i'm going to shower and go make copies for my other job. i need to get stuff ready for class tonight as well. today is a pretty good day.

i must, imust

2008-01-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

mindy and i continue on our 5k training schedule. i'm proud of us because this morning it was 22* wind chill out there and we still went for our training. For one, that is very cold for savannah. and for two, we both hate cold weather. today is a great day because i don't have work nor school. i will feel like a house wife today. exercise, clean, cook...

i'm going to make baked rigatoni bolognese tonight.

we went bowling last night for the sunday dollar deal thing they have going. a lot of people went. there were 11 that we actually invited and more that those people invited. well, i'm annoyed because we asked our neighbors if they wanted to come last time and at first they were all about it, but then they copped out. that's fine. then this sunday mike called them to see if they wanted to come and they were like, "yeah, our friends from that one diner are going so we are going with them." i didn't think it was too big of a deal until they practically ignored us when they were there and then they just left without saying bye. they're annoying. fukin' dorks.

i have some phone calls looming over my head that have been doing so for several months. today is the day i need to make them. i must.

it's fridayeah

2008-01-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

i bought candy, my 17 year old dog, a valentines hoodie today. it's nice.
also, when i'm bored i google different variations of "boxer". today it was "black boxer dog". isn't that weird?
also, also, i'm making fajitas for diner tonight. by the time i grill the steak it will have been marinating for 5 hours. i'm going to go get some avocados so i can make guacamole.

also, also, also, michael is further melting my heart daily. last night we got into an argument that began with normal bickering and quickly escalated into a harsh exchange of words, in public. i decided i was going to ignore him until he apologized and i figured that wouldn't happen until the next day after i dragged it out of him. i festered furiously inside for a few minutes when he said to me, "jaz, i'm sorry i talked to you that way." i couldn't believe it. a heartfelt apology was all it took and we proceeded to have a wonderful diner. nice.

i feel better already

2008-01-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

since i had a bit of a stressful day and on top of that it's grey outside i decided to focus on the positive. here's a list of 15 things i am thankful for today:
1. the geico gecko that mike put on my laptop
2. a warm house
3. mona's snoring
4. getting into the class i need
5. the professor i met last night that i really enjoyed
6. thailand trip
7. mike
8. finding my car in the parking garage
9. saigon leftovers
10. having money for gas
11. talking to my mom today
12. getting a full night of sleep last night
13. not working at the p-school tomorrow
14. regular bowel movements
15. and not giving in to the chikfila temptation today

fun stuff

2008-01-15T11:10:00.000-08:00

we organized a night of bowling this past sunday. $1 games, shoes, popcorn, and hot dogs; and they serve booze that is more than a dollar. it was so much fun that we are making it a regular sunday thing. i was the best girl bowler of course. no, i don't want to jinx myself. knock on wood or something. i'm hoping we, meaning I get to the point where i will get my own ball and shoes and bag. oh yess.
also, mindy and i began our 5k training schedule today. it's supposed to have us from the couch to running a 5k in 9 weeks. we are excited. after the 5k we plan on moving on to a 10k, then a half marathon and then a full marathon by next year this time.

just thinking

2008-01-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

isn't it strange that the closest people to you, the ones you trust and love the most are the ones that hurt you the most? it's just a thought about humanity. i'm just in one of those moods when i ask myself is this real? this thing we call life? i don't think i will ever reach the expectations i had as a child for how life should be. i look at my mom and i know that she never imagined nor wanted her life to be the way it is. that scares me. we all want to be happy and don't think that we will be one of those unfortunate ones that end up unhappy. i'm slowly realizing that i will probably never be happy in the way that i've imagined or dreamed happy to be my entire life. but i also think that i'm growing up and seeing happy from a different perspective.
just some thoughts.

yesssss

2008-01-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

i'm so happy. the last few months have been really splendid between mike and i. truly. i feel like his approach to conflict has changed, for the better, and i love it. i love him.

it's been a while

2008-01-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

the holidays were great this year. spent time with the fam and mike in dallas for the christmas part of it. very relaxed and i wasn't mean to my mom, that's usually a struggle. it really was great. the new years part was splendid too. we went to asheville to stay at a house that we rented that was at the top of a mountain. the view was amazing. we went snowboarding and i fell alot. i'm still learning.
now we are back to real life. work commenced on january 2nd and school will begin next week.
i'm going to go eat some leftovers. i'm hungry.
i don't want to take down christmas decorations this weekend.

fab

2007-12-19T17:12:00.000-08:00

i through a fabulous holiday party last night. it really was fantastic.
music:
bing crosby and the andrews sisters
ella wishes you a swingin christmas
charlie brown christmas
and other 30's and 40's christmas music

food and drink:
mason's fabulous sausage cheese dip
shrimp ceviche
homemade brownie cookies
holiday punch w/ beautiful frozen cranberry juice w/ cranberries and orange slices (mason's idea)
eggnog
blue moon, killians, rolling rock, and red wine

i must admit that the entire root for this party came from the need to make mason's sausage cheese dip. it's true. i had to incorporate this into my life somehow. about 20-22 people showed up and everyone got wasted. i've discovered that getting people drunk very quickly is the key to having a successful party, and also supplying tasty food. i had every holiday candle that was given to me at work lit one hour before the party was slated to begin. it smelled like... christmas. of course i had on my christmas colors: pale green shirt from banana, black pants, red flats.
apparently i've been labeled as the martha stewart of our group, if you can call it a group. i call it savannah where it's small and everybody knows eachother through somebody. the martha stewart thing makes me kinda' happy. i felt so grown up throwing a holiday party. i've done the new years a few times, st. patricks day, and birthdays, but never a holiday party. i might have to do it again next year.

excited about things

2007-12-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

i'm excited about a lot of things right now.
1. this semester of school is over as of last night
2. i have today off from the pre school
3. tomorrow is the last day of work at the p-school before christmas break
4. pot luck party tomorrow. i'm making turkey chili. this is my first potluck that i've made something for.
5. my windows are getting tinted as i type.
6. i'm at the coffee shop and there is a mom from the p-school and she is talking about the school and doesn't remember that i work there. i love it.
7. i'm going to texas next week.
8. annoying teacher/meagan/fatty from my p-school class is not coming back after the holiday break.
9. mike loves me

p.s. i hope i don't become one of these moms that are sitting right next to me. they clearly have met here because they have children and not because they actually enjoy each other's company. i refuse. it's so awkward!

oh yeah-

2007-12-07T15:40:00.000-08:00

oh, and today i wanted to kill drake. she was refusing to listen whatsoever. then i felt bad when her fingers almost literally broke off in between the elevator door and the casing for the door. she cried and was saying thank you over and over again while i poured cold water on them.

i'm always annoyed though

2007-12-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

i'm annoyed because i'm very tired and somehow i've been put in charge of picking up everything that needs to be purchased in savannah for matt's(mike's brother) wedding.
luminary bags
votive candles
flowers
kegs

and on top of that i have to take everything, including dogs, that we need for the weekend because the wedding is at their parents house in south carolina.
i'm annoyed.

fire sign

2007-12-04T17:05:00.000-08:00

i'm not a person that makes new friends easily. rather, i'm not a person that makes new friends that i like back easily. that's why it's strange that recently i've made 2 to 3 new friends that i thoroughly enjoy. one is mindy of course and the other is keara, whom i teach with and the other is elizabeth, whom i met in class and got me the job at the pre school. i've talked enough about mindy in past posts so i will move on to keara. the other day i asked her if she wanted to go to happy hour after we finished putting up the new christmas boards for our class and i found out something that could possibly be detrimental to the furthering of our friendship. she is/was an alcoholic, so she has been sober for 5 years. that really pisses me off.
we'll see how things progress with elizabeth. she is the one that i offered to give a ride home and now i give her a ride everyday. i really do enjoy her company. if she doesn't drink then it's off! i should ask her what her sign is. mindy and keara are both leos. i have a feeling she is an earth sign and not fire. possibly a libra. ooo, i'm excited to find out.

a great time was had

2007-12-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

i'm thankful for my new friend. her name is mindy and i really like her. we began palling it up several months ago, but i would say that in the past 2 months or so we've taken it to the next level. we decided to take our friendship out of the bar and began walking/exercising together. we've also been doing the phone thing which i don't do unless i really like you and care to hear what you have to say. last night we went to dinner at carlito's and then to pinky's(a bar). we had so much fun together. we have this thing in common which is that we believe in spiritual stuff like psychics etc. well, she is very astrologically oriented as well and she knows a lot about it and she's teaching me about it. it's interesting. anyhow, we talked and had fun and got drunkis. we made plans to have coffee at her house this morning and then go play tennis at the park. i should mention that it's about 80 degrees here today and it's dec. 2nd. after tennis we walked around the park then we parted ways. a great time was had.
yesterday i spent the day putting up all of the christmas decorations. they look splendid.
i'm hungry and i can't decide what to eat. i really want to try this bakery downtown, but i'm too lazy to have to find a parking spot and to have to get out of my car. that leaves me with the drive through option, but i don't really want any fast food. what to do? beef and cheddar? i think i'm going to arby's. yes, i am.
oh, and today is mike and i's 3 year anniversary. he's in charleston for his brother's bachelor party and should be getting back this evening. he better remember because i'm not reminding him. we already talked about the fact that it was this sunday a few days ago. let's see what happens. i would bet somebody 100$ that he doesn't have anything planned and hasn't even thought about it. that's exciting isn't it?

i'm kind of a bitch

2007-11-21T09:40:00.000-08:00

mike's brother just got married to a ukranian gal in the ukraine. they wanted to have a ceremony here in the u.s. of a. with her family here as well. well, they couldn't get a visa to visit. the gov was convinced they would immigrate here. the gal, ina, couldn't even get a visa. well, mike's mom began a letter writing campaign to her senators and congressmen. i thought this was ridiculous of course, and a part of me wanted them to get denied again just so that they could see how ridiculous their attempts were. their not personal friends of these senators or congressmen by the way. well, they went and met on tuesday with the embassy, again, letters in hand, and they were granted their visas, all of them. they will be here on thanksgiving day. isn't that insane? they said yes to them on tuesday and they will be here on thursday?
when it's all said and done i'm actually very happy that they will indeed be here. it will certainly liven up thanksgiving.

streaming

2007-11-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

today, drake tried to eat food out of the trash can.

this weekend is going to be a great one. lot's of plans.
i'm wondering where we should go eat tonight before we go out? i'm not sure what i'm feeling. maybe carlitos or molly mcphearson's. i just want mike to get here before i get tired and change my mind. no, that's not going to happen. i've been looking forward to this day, friday, all week.

i tired

2007-11-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

i leave my pre-school job feeling dazed every single time. not only dazed but, exhausted and with a head ache and a feeling that i can't do anything else but sleep or sit and stare off into space. today after work we had a conference with one of the girls mom. the little girl's name is drake and she is quite the challenge. my job is to restrain this two year old, in her seat, while she eats so that she doesn't steal food from the other kids or eat off of the floor or god knows what else.
i tired

2007-11-12T17:09:00.000-08:00

i did't get much done today afterall. i went and got my pills, then i got my oil changed and car washed, then i ate lunch that included beans of course. that's pretty much all i did. oh, and i took a nap. i'm still not feeling 100%.

last night i made my very first homemade apple pie. i even made the crust. it turned out delicious.
i've decided that this year for christmas gifts i'm going to bake stuff. mike's mom and dad, billy and amy, mindy, and john and jessica(our neighbors). my sister in law really likes a bread pudding i make and asks me to make it every time she sees me. i think i'll make her one and also make her a recipe card. don't lose it this time bitch. :) i'm going to get mike three things. if he reads this somehow, then it's ruined, but that will be his fault for being nosey. i'm going to order him some custom vans from their website, a massage package(he's been wanting this for along time), and a fishing reel(he also wants this) and if i have some extra money i'll get him a few other small things. i was going to get him a digital camera and the massage thing, but he went and bought one a few weeks ago. i'm going to give my mom an album from our spain trip. i'm going to give mason what i wanted to give him for his birthday. (ha!)
okay. i'm going to make myself some echinacia tea for class.

update

2007-11-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

real quick:
candy has bounced back yet again
fiber's working
still trying with the water thing

for some reason

2007-11-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

i'm in a good mood today. i think it's because i have my first paid vacation day today since it's veteran's day, or maybe it's because we did the nasty in the middle of the night last night. what i mean is i was sound asleep and suddenly we were gettin' dirty. that's my favorite. to be honest, that's pretty much the only time i really enjoy sex, unless it's one of those rare occasions when i'm in the mood during waking hours for some reason. i've come up with a theory for why this is. i think it's because my guard is down and i'm feeling less inhibited. it's pretty strange. maybe i should see a sex therapist about it? maybe it's because i'm kind of a bitter person and it's difficult to make me happy when you're in a relationship with me. if the day has gone perfectly, and he's done everything right, then and only then am i randy. i'm difficult to please, on many levels.
so, since the courthouse is closed today too, i guess i can't work on that. i need to work on my school projects. i'll do the lesson plan that's due on wednesday and then i'll finish the demographics project that's due...sometime soon. i also want to go walking around the park. i'm going to try to do four miles. i'm worried that exercise will make me sicker though. i guess i'll find out. i also want to check out this new bakery that opened up downtown. i don't know if i'll do that. i can already feel my motivation melting away as i sit here. oh! i need to take lewy to the park too. and most importantly, i need to go pick up some birth control.
1.shower
2.birth control
3.lewy park
4.school projects
5.me park
6.class

true romance

2007-11-11T00:41:00.000-08:00

i woke up feeling worse today. last night we went to the blues and barbecue festival. it was 42* and smoky(our friends were constantly smoking). it probably wasn't a great idea, but whatev. here i am laying on the couch, feeling shitty. i'm watching my favorite movie, true romance. i'm not quite sure why i love it so much. i think it's because it's such a passionate love story. i love it.
sometimes i think that if i didn't have a mom to disappoint my life would be very different. i've always felt that way. oh, their having sex in the phone booth! one of my favorite parts! oh no, now the dad is about to get tortured and killed. i hate this part. it makes me cry.

baby bumble bee

2007-11-10T17:04:00.000-08:00

as i fully expected, i have a runny nose, and i'm pissed. it better not turn into a full on cold.
i have a lot on the brain right now. the end of the semester is fast approaching and i have eight projects/papers due in the the next few weeks. i just worked on one of them today and i have the planning stage finished. now i just have to go to class and assemble it on monday. only seven more to go!
i'm going to dallas for christmas. i'm excited to go visit my moms. i'll be there for six days. i'm not sure how long mike will go for. i like how i get paid vacation with this new job. i don't like how i'm already sick and how i have childrens songs stuck in my head constantly "i'm bringing home a baby bumble bee. won't my mama be so proud of me. 'cause i'm bringin' home a baby ..." yeah, annoying.

all i can say

2007-11-07T02:02:00.000-08:00

is wow. today was my first day at the "children's school", and i'm ready for a nap. my classroom consists of ten 2 year olds. i'm the 3rd teacher they hired for the class because the other two just aren't enough. i've already picked my favorites out of the bunch, but i have to say that even the main brat is kind of cute sometimes. i was basically there to stop them from hitting each other, making sure they stay seated when they are supposed to and that usually means going after them and picking them up or dragging them back to their seats, wiping snot off their faces, wiping food off their faces and hands, changing diapers, and singing songs.
i'm seriously going to go take a nap right now.

christ church

2007-11-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

i'm a little awkward in some social situations. i have been my entire life. this brings me to the most recent social situation that i was dreading. i offered to give this girl a ride home after our group met after class. i don't know why i did this, but i did. i was dreading it because i think we've spoken like three words to each other previously and we had to ride in the car for at least 20 minutes and think of things to say to each other. it ended up going just fine, of course. i might get a job out of it. she works at a private day care/pre k that happens to be looking for somebody right now. she told me to definitely call them and that they would love me. i'm about to call them. the only thing i'm worried about is that it's a religion based thing and i'm scared their going to ask me questions about my beliefs. chances are they won't like my reply.
this high fiber diet i'm doing doesn't seem to be doing the trick for me. i'm going to give it another week to see if my body adjust to having more fiber in it. and really, it's not high fiber, it's normal fiber, but i wasn't eating the 21-23 grams that i'm supposed to eat everyday. by the way, it's really difficult to eat that much fiber in one day. you pretty much have to eat fiber in every meal. a good thing that is coming out of it is that i'm eating more nutritiously because i need to fit it in. for instance, the other day i made greek burgers for dinner and usually i would have made fries with it. well, since i needed more fiber i made black beans instead of fries. also, yesterday i wanted something sweet, so i ate an apple.
i'm going walking with mindy tonight. last time we walked 3.5 miles. my butt is sore. isn't that just pitiful?! since when do i get sore from WALKING. so annoying. she wants me to do power burn yoga with her. i don't know about that. i told her i need to walk for a while and get back into "exercise" first.

i don't know

2007-11-01T01:43:00.000-07:00

i hate to verbalize this.
the moment i've been dreading for most of my life is drawing very near. i can feel it. this morning i was watching candy trying to eat, struggling to keep her back legs from slipping out from under her, but to no avail. eventually she sat down to eat. i just picked her up, hugged her, and cried. i don't want to have to put her to sleep, but i also don't want her to suffer. i was looking at dog wheel chairs online today. all the dogs look happy in the pictures, but of course they can see. i think that if i get her one it will just cause her more trouble. the other thing is that when i put her outside her legs don't slide out because their is more friction, but you can see her legs shaking because she is trying with all her might to stay standing. she's lost so much muscle over the last year and a half.
i just don't know what to do. death is such a terrible thing to go through.

2007-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

i've been doing a little research on cushings disease and candy fits all of the criteria.
balding/ thinning hair
loss of muscle mass
back legs can no longer support weight
increase water intake(10x more than usual)
continuous urination
urinary tract infections
increase in appetite
circling

this makes me sad. i want to treat it, but i'm scared that i will just make her life worse by doing so. it would be different if she was 10 years old, but she's 17 years old. the treatments vary, depending on the cause of her cushings, from surgery to chemotherapy in the form of drugs. she's just too old for that. that's what the doctor told me, but i just wanted to see it for myself.
it's hard for me to see her back legs sliding around all over the place, coupled with her aimless wandering and bumping into things because she can't see.
i don't want her to suffer.

to do:

2007-10-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

1. call hesse elementary for observation on friday
2. finish one appraisal packet
3. post 2 more discussions for technology class
4. wash clothes
5. walk with mindy
6. make greek burgers(no class tonight!)
7. come up with art lesson plan to teach at jamie's school

that's not bad.

that makes me happy

2007-10-30T16:13:00.000-07:00

i've said this before and i'll say it again. i am person whose mood is effected by the color of the day. it has to be bright and sunny in order for me to be happy. it can be cold or hot, it doesn't matter which, as long as it's sunny. although i do really like a heavy rainstorm as long as all i'm doing is hanging out at the house and as long as it's not for an extended period of time, like for more than a day for instance.

today is beautiful and that makes me happy.

also- along with my increased water intake i've also decided to increase my fiber intake. i think i have irritable bowel syndrome. i meet all of the criteria. i have intermittent diarrhea(i had to look how to spell it. it still doesn't look right to me.) and constipation and this has gone on for at least 8 years. fiber is supposed to help it. we'll see.

also, i'm putting off school work i'm supposed to be doing right now. instead i'm telling the world about my diarrhea.

blather

2007-10-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

i'm making spaghetti with homemade meat sauce for dinner tonight. i don't have class again and that makes me happy.

the doggy hospital that i'm running out of my house continues. apparently all of the dogs have hook worms again and candy has a severe urinary tract infection, and probably has cushings disease. the vet seemed to think that since she's 17yrs. old it's not really worth doing anything about it or even testing to make sure that she does have it. i haven't seen lewy have a seizure in about 2 weeks now. that doesn't mean he's not having them, that just means we haven't seen any. although, i think he's getting better. i found out that nutrition plays a big role in dogs with seizures, so i bought a multivitamin and switched his food to the very best(and most expensive) that can only be bought on line. mona's wound is better. she doesn't have to be bandaged anymore. that's great because the bandage was causing major irritation on her stomach after 1 month straight of constant rubbing. the wound isn't closed yet, but it's getting there. now we just have to clean it with betadine and put neosporin on it everyday.

i took the gace basic skills test this past weekend. i think i passed all 3 sections, but i wont know until the end of november. i almost can't stand it. now, i'm thinking of taking the paraprofessional gace test so that i can work as a paraprofessional until i actually get certified to teach. a paraprofessional is basically a teachers assistant.

i'm going to go buy candy a dog sweater. i gave her a haircut and she's cold.

one thing i hate about winter is that my hands stay forever cold, even when the rest of my body is warm.

alex,alexis,alexia,alexander...

2007-10-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

alex, my oldest brother, went into the hospital 2 days ago. long story short- he passed out a couple of times by himself in his house(his wife is in europe), my aunt took him to the er and eventually they found that he was internally bleeding from an ulcer he didn't know he had. he lost so much blood that he's still in there because they still don't know if it's safe for him to leave. it was scary. my mom called me to tell me what was going on and within an hour i was suddenly on a 5 1/2 hour drive down to see my brother. at first i was thinking i would wait to see what they found out, but then i thought, what if i'm too late? so i left and now i'm here in his office with their dogs and my mom is in the guest room. i'll be here next weekend too because he has a buccaneers ticket for mike. lewy gets to play with jackson.
i think i'm delirious a little bit. i've gotta go to sleep.
goooood night.

i need more water

2007-10-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

i've decided i'm going to take this water drinking thing much more seriously. i think it's going to help me tremendously in a lot of aspects. i remember when i first moved to savannah i was drinking a lot of water and i felt and looked awesome, if i must say so myself.
as it is, i may drink one glass of water a day, maybe. even that one glass i might have is canceled out because i drink a cup of coffee every morning and usually some kind of alcoholic drink at night. so unhealthy! i just did a little research on line and it said that for my body weight i should drink an 8oz. glass of water every hour that i am awake. at first it's going to send me to the bathroom constantly, but after a couple of weeks my bladder will adjust and i will go less frequently.
it's not that i don't drink water because i dislike it or anything. it's because i'm lazy. i don't drink much of anything really. if i do drink something it's coffee, alcohol, or water.

on to the next

2007-10-23T01:36:00.000-07:00

i took the gre last weekend and i'm pretty damn sure i didn't get the score i needed. i think i was in the 70th percentile in the verbal section and in math i was in the 4th percentile. yes, the 4th. i'm not surprised especially since i clicked on whatever letter fancied me without even looking at the question. i simply can't do math. i'm still waiting to see what i received on the written part. good news is that this weekend coming up i have the gace which is another test option. the math and everything else only goes up to fifth grade level, and they provide you with equations and definitions for the math part. if i don't pass this, then i really shouldn't be teaching.
on to other things. mike and i got into a pretty big argument this past weekend. he does this inconsiderate thing when he gets drunk where he'll walk off to go talk to someone else or do something else and doesn't let me know. ex: we'll be talking about something, i turn around to say something to somebody else that's standing right there, i turn around to say something to him and he's not there. it's fucking rude. i reached my limit finally and well, i reached my limit. i ended up sleeping on the couch. the next morning we talked about it and he was apologetic. i also brought up some other things that truly bother me like when he says that he's "the boss"(when he's drunk) and when he trys to say that my role is x and his role is y. i let him know that he is not the boss, and neither am i. i don't want to be in a relationship where one person rules the roost. i also let him know that my role is not the one that he thinks. he seemed to understand what i was saying. we had breakfast and we moved on.
next- i'm still looking for another job. i decided not to go for that other gallery for now. instead i'm looking into this child learning center that had a few openings last time i checked. more hours, more classroom experience. we'll see.
should i go to class tonight? i don't know... probably not.

elephants and guadalupes

2007-10-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

trips are good for me. every single time i am re-energized.
i've been shopping around for a new couch. i've hated this one since it got handed down to me from my mom. i'm thankful for it, but i hate the fabric on it. i'm looking for a very simple 2 piece sectional, with wood feet, and straight arms. actually, one side with an arm and the other without. it's seems very simple to me, but it's impossible to find. well, that's a lie. i did find one, but it only comes in one color and i'm afraid it's too light. i want a neutral color since everything else in my house is so bold, but this one may be a little too light. i also want to get rid of a chair i got from my mom that is very nice, but not my style. it's kind of hard to get rid of because that is the chair that my grandmother sat in for hours on end when she was living with my mom. that's abuela's chair. maybe i can make mike put it in his room. also, i want to recover this other chair that we have. since it's only 2 cushions it wont be expensive at all and i can get a really cool graphic pattern. exciting! ! ! !
on to other things. i was dusting my elephants yesterday when i had a revelation, sort of. when i started interviewing for that gallery job(that i didn't get, by the way) i had the idea that i would paint/create very folk arty guadalupes to sell there. i still want to do that, but i want to try to sell them at the farmers market first. so, revelation. as i was dusting the elephants i realized that i should just do what i like. very simple. i like the virgin of guadalupe and i like elephants. i'm going to do the same thing with elephants.
i've also gotten back on the cooking wagon. for a while there i decided to get off because i was feeling unappreciated and it began to feel like it was my duty. so, i showed him that that wasn't the case. and quite honestly i truly just didn't feel like it. for some reason since i've been back from masonites house i've been cooking. the first meal was chicken sagwala, an indian dish that is utterly amazing. then last night i made macaroni and cheese with sausage. it was very laborious and took way longer than i expected. i got back from class at 8pm and went straight to making it from scratch. it was damn tasty though. i guess we'll be eating that tonight too.
well, it's almost 10am. i guess i should get some work done.

OH! and today is candy's 17th birthday!!!

failure

2007-10-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

it's hard not to get down on myself. i thought for sure i had this gallery job. i was mistaken. so now i've gone through two interviewing processes where i think i'm doing awesome and come to find out, not awesome enough. i thought about this when mason and i went to dinner the other night at vivo(and i became a gnocchi). he was saying how good he is at dating. how he even has a good time when he doesn't really feel a connection. meanwhile the other person on the date thinks everything is going great. i was thinking to myself 'that's me in an interview. i'm the idiot that thinks everything is going great.' well, all i can do is keep trying right? i saw an open position at another gallery that i don't like as much at all, and it's very part time. the ad did say that there is room to grow.
so now, i 'm back in the savnasty, thinking about the fat i put on my body while in chicago and how i'm going to take it off through sitting here and thinking about it. i think i'm going to start by eating a bagel at the sentient bean, loaded down with cream cheese on every bite.
i have the gre this weekend. i haven't studied, no. i have a strong sense that i'm going to fail that too. seriously.
well, i guess i'm just a big failure.
that reminds me, i have to order some halloween costume pieces quick! we're going to be dog the bounty hunter and his wife. i'm really excited about this one.
i think the chicago times deserve it's own post. so keep an eye out for that one!

we'll see

2007-10-04T14:56:00.000-07:00

so-much to my dismay i am on another 3 interview roller coaster ride, hopefully? i just came from my first "informal" interview at shop scad. shop scad is an art gallery that showcases scad student and alumni work. if i get the job they want me to have work to sell there, which is very exciting. the next interview is supposed to be in front of some sort of a panel and the last interview, if i get there, will be with someone at scad itself.
we'll see....

land it

2007-10-02T16:48:00.000-07:00

i just sent in my cover letter and resume in to an art gallery downtown. i found the job posting on craigslist. that would be a cool job. it pays alright, although they didn't mention the amount of hours. it would be great if it was a full time job. of course i'll keep the other two jobs and continue with school.
hopefully i'll land this one.

wound care

2007-09-30T22:55:00.000-07:00

so- when we returned from mexico and california last tuesday, we went to meet the farm lady to pick up the pups. we got home and opened the front gate so they could just run in straight from the car. right when mike was opening the car door to let them run in i noticed a cat in the yard. not only was it a cat, but it was the one that purposefully teased them on several occasions. needless to say it was too late to stop them. they were both running full speed, about to round the corner, when BAMN! mona ran right into the cast iron arm rest of a miniature bench. she broke the cast iron in three different places and it ripped her side. over 200 stitches later she seemed to be doing okay. i've been giving her antibiotics and pain pills twice a day, she's been wearing the big, plastic collar thing that she hates, and she's been quarantined in the kitchen so that lewy doesn't eat her drainage tube off. well, today i woke up and noticed a pea sized hole developing on one side of the suture. it's sunday so the vet isn't open. i decided to wait until first thing tomorrow morning rather than take her to the emergency place, unless the whole got bigger. well, it grew bigger, and bigger. it grew to about 3-4 inches long. i took her to the emergency place and they wrapped it up so well that it cost 120$. this is just until tomorrow when i can take her back to her regular vet and they can re-do the entire surgery because it has gotten infected somehow. the girl at the place informed me that we have a long road of wound care ahead of us. a looong road of wound care.

friday night...again

2007-09-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

well-turns out my plans changed for the night. amy called to see if i wanted to come to jazz fest at the park. i totally forgot that it was going on too. last night sabine called to see if i wanted to meet them up there and i just didn't feel like it, but tonight i was totally up for some free fun. she called right when i finished writing my last blog, i packed some beers, and hopped on my bike towards the park. a good time was had.
i still want brownies.

friday night

2007-09-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

it's friday night-i had plans to go out. it's better that it's not happening, since i would have had 3 whole dollars to spend at the bar. no joke. michelle is busy and i didn't feel like calling anybody else. tomorrow i'm going out for sure, since i should have money by then. mike's in baltimore and i'm still disappointed in him. i hate being disappointed with people. it's a mixture of sadness, anger, and disbelief that's so hard to shake. he didn't cheat on me, but he fucking lied, and he doesn't see the wrong in it. that's the worst part.
i'm so excited to go see mymason. it's going to be so great. 6 days, but really 5, of good times with my best friend.
i'm about to make really awesome brownies for diner, partake in some extra curricular activities, put borat on in the back ground, and fold/hang laundry.

simply sucks

2007-09-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

feeling deceived by someone you love and trust.... it's a difficult emotion to pin point, but it does suck. honesty and loyalty are so very important to me. i feel like without that you don't have anything. this morning i found some stuff on mike's computer that just made my heart sink. i immediately called him to ask him about it and his reaction made it worse. it's truly not even about what it was on the computer, it's the lying and putting up a front about it like that's the furthest thing i could expect from him.
i simply don't trust him now.
it's very difficult to to regain my trust, if ever.

the job

2007-09-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

okay- so last time i blogy blogged i was was flipping out a little bit and didn't feel like i had the time to inform about the job situation. well, now it's almost 7pm on thursday, i didn't go to class and i just ate a bowl of pasta and drank a beer- so i'm in a good place.
i didn't get the job and quite frankly i'm SO HAPPY! i hope my boyfriend doesn't read this. he would think i'm a spoiled brat. like i said before, i would have been fine with the job and grateful for it, BUT i had just found out a day before i found out that i didn't get the job that i have to do 20 hours of classroom observation this semester. i didn't know how i was going to work that one out if i got the job.
i feel strange right now because all of the pups are at eureka farm, an amazing boarding/vacation spot for dogs. the house is completely empty, and it's weird.
i better go. i have to start washing clothes and do about four hours of work for the appraisal job, then do a project for class, then pack, then clean a little? all before 4:30am, which is when i leave for the airport. oh god.

who says freak out?

2007-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

i am in total freak out mode because i have just realized that there are not enough hours left before i go to california to complete everything i have to complete. i'm kind of fucked. i backed myself into a corner with this appraisal job. i told them i would have two more weeks worth of work for them this week. that means by tomorrow. i haven't even gone and made the copies yet. i estimate that the entire task will take me at least 8 hours. then, i have a project due today at 4:30 that i have barley begun. i also have to turn in another project by the time i leave that i have not begun. what else.... i have to take the dogs to a farm/boarding place tomorrow that is an hour away. that will take at least 3 hours when it's all said and done. i have class today and tomorrow. i have an inspection to go to after i get back from dropping the dogs off. i guess i'll leave here at 6am tomorrow to take the dogies, then go to the inspection, then complete my appraisal stuff, then go to class at 6pm, then go to the office and drop off contracts that need to be there before i leave, then pack and clean the damn house(at least do the dishes). i also have to get dog food today, e-mail david about the green sheet percentages..... i feel like i'm forgetting something vital. oh god, that makes me nervous.
i better get to work. i just looked at the clock and i'm 10 minutes behind schedule.

starving

2007-09-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

i was supposed to find out if i got the job yesterday, and i didn't. now he's saying he'll call me in the next few days to let me know because he has to talk to the guy that i did the 3rd interview with. i hate waiting.
i'm on floor duty at my real estate place and i'm starving. i didn't have time to even drink coffee this morning. that's a problem for me. i need one cup of jo in the morning to get me going. my stomach is growling right now. i might go make some coffee in the kitchen here. the only thing i don't like about that is that they don't provide disposable stuff and i hate using other people's mugs(which i've done before and was grossed out with every sip).
i think i'm going to have two deals close in the first week of october. i say i think, because in real estate deals aren't closed until they have literally closed. i'm choosing my words carefully because i don't want to jinx anything. just typing the j word made me regret it. oh well. too late now.

either way

2007-09-07T09:55:00.001-07:00

i wouldn't be terribly upset if i didn't get this job to be perfectly honest.
there are several reasons:
1. i'm going to be leaving the job in about 1 year
2. too much pressure(more than i care for)
3. i won't be able to take off whenever i want
4. i could work full time at starbucks and make almost as much money, and benefits

i'll take it if i get it, but like i said, i wouldn't be terribly upset if i didn't get it.
the second interview went very well and now the last step is to call the vice president of sales in the corporate office and try to sell him real estate since that's what i have experience in. i think i'll do just fine.
i'll know on tuesday if i got the job or not.

that's what's supposed to happen

2007-09-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

i have the second interview for the design consultant position at the tile place tomorrow. i don't want to put the name of the place just in case you can search the name and up pops my blog. that could potentially suck. what the hell are second interviews for? i understand if it's a big corporation and you have to meet other people that you didn't meet the first time, but i don't think that's the case at this place. what else is this fucker going to ask me? i do know that i have to emphasize the sales side of me this time. i also need to send out a thank you note. i forgot to do it the first time, but i think it's okay to send it after the second one because it looks like i was waiting for the second one to happen before i sent it out. anyhow. i know that whatever is supposed to happen is going to happen. if i get the job, that's the way it was supposed to happen. if i don't, then that's the way it was supposed to happen for me. believing that what's supposed to happen will happen gives me alot of confidence in my life. i don't fear much because i always know that "that" is what is supposed to happen. it works for me.

it just makes me sad

2007-08-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

it hurts my feelings when a person i consider one of my best friends, doesn't call on my birthday or the next, or the next. you get the idea. we had a falling out that spanned a year long of no communication whatsoever. then we buried the hatchet and returned to normal, only now we lived 1,000's of miles away from each other. it bothers me that i've become that friend in her life that she sees is calling and doesn't answer the phone. i remember when she used to do that with lyndsey, a very good friend of hers.
the last time we talked she said to me that we needed to talk more and that just because we don't talk as much not to think that i'm not always on her mind. that made me feel good. i told her i thought we should talk more too, but i didn't say that the reason we don't talk as much is because you don't answer the phone or return my calls.
-so the conversation ended and i called her a few days later to keep her abreast of a situation and to keep the ball rolling with "keeping in touch" and the same shit happens. no call back for months. then i decided one day to call her and let her know of all the knew things in my life and she immediately called back after hearing my message(and not answering the call in the first place) only because she thought i had something "important" to tell her. i couldn't answer the phone right that moment. that was it. my birthday came around about a week or so later and, no call.
just to quote her "it will never be the same"

candy pants

2007-08-29T13:05:00.000-07:00

so- candy, my dog that i've had since i was 10 and am now 27, has hemorrhoids. this just adds to the list of afflictions she's dealing with. she's blind, almost completely deaf, can't hold her pee for too long, has really really bad breath(teeth are green), and don't forget the fact that she's 119 years old in dog years, therefore her limited movement reflects that. i know it sounds bad. i know people think i should put her to sleep, but i really don't think so. she's like an old person. i mean, my grandmother wears diapers too and has alot of other things in common with candy, but that doesn't mean we should put her to sleep. she'll go when she's ready.

i feel you

2007-08-28T18:10:00.001-07:00

i hate that you are so sad right now. i wish i could be there in person so badly. just to sit and listen, and let you cry.
it's weird because in a way i am sad too. i feel like every time we talk i'm holding back tears. i can feel your pain and i don't want you to feel that way.
just try to remember that one day this will be something that happened in the past. you will have new things in your life to be happy about.
i love you, and always will.

when things are good, they are so good.

2007-08-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

and when things are bad, they are SO bad. why is that?
life just seems to be funny that way. it's totally the cliche of "life's a roller coaster ride!"
things are going really well for me right now so i thought i should acknowledge it.

things with mike are better than ever. we've finally reached an understanding on recent issues.

i started grad school last week and i love all of my classes and professors.
i went for a job interview this past tuesday that couldn't have possibly gone better.
i was able to reschedule my gre exam for late october.
we're going to california and mexico in september.
i have a nice new to me car that doesn't overheat at stop lights.
oh, and my birthday's on monday.

i'm just really happy with the way things are going. i really hope i get this job as a design consultant. i thrive when i am busy. if i get this job, i am going to be very busy. full time grad student and full time job... on days that i have class i'll be rushing straight from work to class. I also plan on contuning the real estate thing after 5pm and on weekends. the market is so bad here that i have to do something else. i'm tired of borrowing money from moms.

geico gecco

2007-08-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

lynne came and visited me this weekend. we really had a great time. it was exactly what i needed... a visit from an ol' friend. we did it up like old times. i spent most of sunday recovering from the good time. lynne is one of those friends that surprises me from time to time, in a good way. this time she let me know, over a slice at vinnie's, that she is now bi(meaning bi sexual). i took the revelation in stride as though she told me that she is now eating broccoli on a regular bases. i probably should have reacted at least a little surprised or something, but i didn't. i was trying to let her know that it doesn't bother me, but in my attempt to act as though i don't care i think it really looked like i don't give a shit. i don't know. i'll call her today or something.
so, i've been loosing weight. i think it's only a couple pounds right now. i'm going to find out today. it's so easy to loose weight, and i always tell myself that when i'm doing it. it's just mustering up the resolve that i'm really going to do this. that's the hard part. not eating as much and exercising, that's the easy part after you decide that you are really going to do it.
i might be getting a new job soon. i will be a design consultant at a high end tile show room. i would work 9-5 mon.-fri. and every other sat. until 1. it will be weird for me since i've NEVER worked a 9-5 job. both of my jobs right now i do from home. so, that's going to take some adjusting.
did i mention that i did end up getting my new car? i don't think i have. yeah, i got my new car. lynne was calling it my mom car. it's a 4 door sedan, white w/ tan leather interior, automatic. it kind of is a mom car, but i really needed to make that change. i had been driving around in my 12 year old 2 door, standard, civic that was overheating at red lights and just being old. i don't really miss her. i guess i just reached that point that you have to get to before you can leave something behind.
also, i got a new dress from american apparel. i fucking love it. i'll be able to wear it in the winter time too. so exciting.
also, mike looks like the geico gecco. he really does.

feeling pretty good

2007-07-30T05:55:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was so incredibly emotionally exhausting.
last night was my first night of good sleep.
long story short- went to buy a car, negotiated for hours, drove away with the new car, brought it back two days later and drove away in old faithful-12 year old civy.
yeah, so that sucked.
what else... oh, camryn is back in dallas. i'm so glad she came and stayed for 2 weeks with me. it was really a great time. like i said beofre, she truly blows my mind.
i'm going to start studying for the gre again. school starts on aug. 16. it's weird because i kinda' feel like a freshmen even though i've gone to college for 5 years and came out with an associates degree and a bachelors. now it's been 2 years since i've been in school and i'm a little nervous. i'm actually just nervous about the gre. that just reminded me that i 'm not even sure if i need to take the gre or if i should be taking the gace(?) instead. ugh. i don't know.
i'm feeling pretty good today. i'm going to finish up my appraisal work, study for the gre, and workout. sounds good to me!

the camryn rambles

2007-07-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

camryn's been here for one week and four days now. Last week she had art camp and this week it's horse back riding camp. she blows my mind every single day with the things she says. she's so eloquent for her age. she's so grown up that i forget sometimes that she's only eight. she's such a compassionate little girl and she's definitely wise beyond her years. sometimes i think she's a little too grown up. it's like she never fully lets loose and has fun like you think a kid should. she's always holding something back. she reminds me of myself when i was a kid. i was an angry kid though, and that she is not. she's very sweet and sensitive.
i'm so glad she's here. last time she came and stayed with me was 2 years ago for two weeks. she was only six at the time and things didn't go as smoothly as this time. she was far too young to be away from her mom for so long. also, i didn't have her in any day camps or anything like that. this time she is really having a great time and so am i. i hope this can become a a regular thing.
yesterday we went out on mike's boat to the river community that he grew up in. it's called the chichesee(?) river. we went to a water festival. it's kind of a large gathering of drunken rednecks on the water with their boats. you tie your boats together and you swim in the water and drink, so on and so forth. on our way back to the dock we stoped at rose island, where there is a swing tied to a tree where kids swing and drop into the water. camryn wanted to do it. when it was her turn she couldn't do it. we tried and tried to coax her. i got in the water. i counted to three. i cheered and clapped. i tried everything. i told her several times that if she didn't want to do it it she didn't have to, it was up to her. she wanted to do it even though she was standing there with tears streaming down her face because she couldn't get the courage up. eventually i asked her if she wanted me to push her in and she said yes! i ran up to the platform area, pulled her back, counted to three and let go. it was beautiful. immediately after that she did it again and again and again. i told how proud i was that she overcame her fear and all she could say was that she didn't really do it because i had to push her in and that she cried in front of everybody. she tends to be too hard on herself. i wish she could spend more time with me so i could help build her confidence. her mom is not a confident person at all and wants her daughter to be just like her in that sense. it makes her feel better about herself if her daughter is like her.
okay, i'm done rambling. that was a true rambling.